For several years, there has been one particular day that I have dreaded each year. Every year, it would be a disaster. It was a day that brought about feelings of rejection, of bitterness, of envy; I would try and would be constantly rebuffed. It would literally always end in tears. Nowadays, I love love. I have seen and tasted of God's amazing love but in the past love had only been unfulfilling. It had always ended in hurt, it had been manipulating and harmful. Too many things had ended this way and it only served to compound the truth in my head: that I would never have a good Valentine's day, that I would never be treated or spoiled and that love was hollow and empty.
Last year, I had no expectation for Valentine's day. Unbeknownst to me, God had expectations. And a plan. An excerpt from my journal last year:
"I did not know Valentine's day could be good, especially if one is single. I like the culture of Valentine's day here in America. It is not just a day for couples like it is in England, but rather a day to celebrate love. Love between friends, God's love, etc. I really like that."
Because of this, it was not a day that I could escape, even if I wanted to (which I did!) For a few days in the run up to the day, I received cards, little notes, cookies and chocolates from my friends. It is a day that is celebrated between friends, an excuse to tell someone in your life how much you value them and how glad you are that they are in your life. This I liked, I could cope with this. It wasn't overly romantic, or slushy and didn't make me feel like a failure for being single. I remember feeling quite positive on that morning: I decided I was going to love myself even if no one else was going to love me that day. I made myself heart shaped eggs for breakfast and jollied off to school.
I'm so glad God was not content to leave it like that. He interrupted my world that day and reached in to issues that I thought I had sorted. I walked in to Revival Group (our 'small' groups of 55 that met once a week) and the chairs were all in a circle around the room with a single table in the middle.
"The men (of our group) took time to say how much they value and appreciate us as women. They went around the room and prayed and prophesied over each of us. Collectively they apologised for times in the past when when had wronged us as women, when we had not been treated as God would have us treated. They stood in front of us and stood in the place of those that had hurt us in the past."
Well, as you can imagine with a room full of women, we were all a little teary-eyed after this. They then moved about the room, prophesying and praying for us individually. They brought out a large bucket full of beautiful different coloured roses. Each guy selected a rose and then came and presented this single rose to a girl. At this point, I had my head in my hands and I remember thinking that this just couldn't be real and that I wasn't going to get one. I thought that there wouldn't be enough, that all the other girls would be chosen before me, that I did not deserve a rose. I looked up and kneeling before me was a friend, a man, holding the most exquisite yellow rose. I can not imagine what my face looked like in that moment. I wasn't last, there were enough roses and someone had chosen me. In that moment something broke. I couldn't even look in his sweet face. I buried my face and sobbed and sobbed. It was the noisy, messy crying that you don't ever want to do in public. It was those big sobs that seem to come from your toes. But God was tearing down everything I had ever believed, all the lies that I had built upon and all the wrong that had come against me. Caleb patiently waited. He was not phased; this itself spoke volumes to me. Someone gave me tissues but it was still a long time before I was able to raise my head and look him in the eye. He gave me the rose, at great risk of setting me off again (!) and he prophesied over me. I did not hear a word he said, I am so thankful that someone recorded it on their phone for me!
"After this, the men came and sat on the floor in front of us and asked us collectively if there was anything that they could do for us. A few girls took the microphone and they were mainly thanking and honouring the men for the gifts they had just given us. I felt a burning in my chest and i knew that I had to say something. I spoke and thanked them for re-presenting men to us, to me. I told them that this group of guys were the first guys to show me how life and love should be. I talked frankly about past experiences, how I had never had a good valentine's day, how men had only ever wanted one thing but yet how the men stood in front of me have shown me another way... Things have not been the same since. My standards have been raised considerably. I know now how love looks in the Kingdom and I am unable to settle for any less."
What is also interesting, and something that I didn't even realise until a few weeks later, was a journal entry I made a week prior to this. I was talking to God about being romanced:
"I want to be romanced. With notes and hearts and lace and roses - yes, roses!...I want someone to do these things without ever knowing I want them....But love is painful and the flowers are only for one thing, and then even they stop coming."
When I read back in my journal, I was literally blown away. God had listened to the very things I had said and he had answered a little wish in a way that I could never have expected. Not only did he act on my heart's desire, he rebuilt the foundations of those desires. Instead of being built on false promises and deferred hopes, he built lovingly with truth and hope.
This year, I was not abhorred by the idea of valentine's day. I decided to embrace it. Yes, I am single and yes, I know that I am 'not supposed' to like it as a single person. BAH! I decided that I wanted to begin to change the culture of valentine's day. In the UK, it is a day for couples. I much prefer the American way of thinking: that it is a day of celebrating love, relationships, the people that you value in your life. I decided I was going to fully embrace it! I love gifts and so I decided to pick an ordinary item (mainly food) and make it extraordinary [a few examples below]. I branded each item with a cheesy saying that I managed to back up with a Bible verse and I hit the road. I delivered each item by hand, today. Whilst I was in the process of giving and creating, I was totally hit by the presence of God. I had such a party with him today! I was giving, but I was receiving too. I got to spend time with those I love, I drank plenty of cups of tea, I cuddled my friends' babies, I was giving gifts and surprising people. I literally had every single one of my love languages met today. I partnered with God and he certainly came along for the ride! I know that to change something may seem like a massive impossibility, but I know that to do it you have to start with what is right in front of you. Starting small is better than not starting at all.
However, there are a few undeniable truths:
- I am loved by God
- He will never break his promises
- Nothing is impossible
- My time for marriage will come, but loving those around me is my 'now'
- I will never, ever, ever again have a bad Valentine's day!
